Illusions
by Ellen Smock
Summary: What happened after The Menagerie.  Contains reference to same gender love but nothing graphic.  The rating is just to be safe.


Obviously, Paramount owns Star Trek.

Rating: G

Note: I'm following a Roddenberry idea that—with the exception of The Menagerie's second part—there is no real order to the episodes.

**ILLUSION**

KIRK: Chris, do you want to go there? (flash) Mister Spock, would you care to take Captain Pike to the transporter room, see him off?  
SPOCK: Thank you, sir, for both of us. (flash)  
KIRK: Er, Mister Spock, when you're finished, please come back and see me. I want to talk to you. This regret table tendency you've been showing lately towards flagrant emotionalism  
SPOCK: I see no reason to insult me, sir. I believe I've been completely logical about the whole affair.

McCoy listened as Kirk recounted the last moments of the dramatic, if fake court martial of First Officer Spock.

It was obvious to McCoy that Kirk was hurt and angry over Spock's actions. He remembered Kirk's report of the previous day, after he'd left with Pike. "Do you know what you're doing? Have you lost your mind? " Kirk had asked before ordering security to lock Spock in the brig. McCoy had never heard Kirk question Spock's sanity. The very idea was unthinkable..yet, Jim said he'd done just that.

McCoy suspected there might be other emotions in play. For Spock to do what he'd done—risking his career, hell, his life, to save someone he no longer served under—that was beyond any concept of Vulcan loyalty McCoy had ever read about. Could Jim be jealous? Did he think Spock was more loyal toward his former Captain than he was toward Jim?

Thinking about those images of Spock as a young officer, smiling, engaging with the crew in ways McCoy had never seen Spock engage with this crew, McCoy couldn't help but feel sad.

He'd always assumed Spock had presented himself as the ultimate Vulcan since the day he left the planet. He'd viewed Spock as arrogant and aloof. But obviously Spock had not always been that way. The old record tapes showed Spock to be vulnerable, possessed of charm and enthusiasm.

What had happened? Why was Spock willing to risk so much just to give Pike a chance at happiness? Happiness was an emotion Spock shunned, yet he'd put his career, his life on the line to give his former Captain a chance to experience it again.

McCoy realized that he'd become absorbed in his internal musings and had missed much of what Jim was saying...

"Jim...listen, I'm worried about Spock. I'm going to check on him."

"Worried about Spock? Haven't you been listening to what I'm saying? Spock is fine, damnit, he's..."

McCoy didn't learn what Jim thought Spock was... he walked away tossing a distracted "Later Jim" over his shoulder.

Approaching Spock's quarters, McCoy was unsure what he wanted to say. To be honest, he wasn't even sure that Spock would talk to him.

Touching the pad that would announce his presence, McCoy had to still the urge to bolt. What would he say? What would he ask? He only knew that it was obvious something had hurt Spock. Hurt him badly enough that he retreated behind his stoic Vulcan mask.

He heard a quiet "Enter" from the small speaker.

McCoy didn't know what he'd expected to find. Maybe Spock in front of his meditation statue, or working at his computer. Whatever he'd expected, it wasn't this. The high necked formal uniform top had been tossed onto a chair. Spock, in his black trousers and t-shirt had his back to the door, his head down leaning into the wire room divider. He raised his head and turned as McCoy stepped into the room.

"Do you require something, Doctor?"

Spock often asked that. "Do you require something, Doctor?" McCoy inevitably responded with sarcasm. He wouldn't be coming to Spock if the didn't need something, would he? But now, faced with the knowledge that somewhere, somehow, Spock had been broken, hurt to the point of retreating into himself...McCoy wondered at the wording. Was Spock just offering to help him or was Spock expecting to be asked to sacrifice his health, his safety even his life to fulfill the wishes of another? Suddenly McCoy realized that had been a pattern all along. Sacrifice was needed, Spock would provide it. Kirk needs information from a molten lava monster, Spock will mind meld with it. Kirk needs to disinfect a planet, Spock will sacrifice his eyes in pursuit of the cure. Kirk needs to regain control over his ship, Spock will sacrifice love and happiness.

McCoy must have—once again—been musing because he realized Spock was trying to get his attention.

"Doctor, are you unwell?"

"No, Spock, I'm fine...I'm sorry, I was lost in thought."

"I understand. I find that state of mind rather too easy to achieve myself at the moment."

McCoy chuckled a bit. "I bet you do, Spock."

"Do you require something?"

"No, not require really, Spock...it's more of a desire."

Spock's eyebrows went up at that. "Desire, Doctor?"

"Yeah, Spock, desire. I desire to have a chat, talk, shoot the breeze...whatever you want to call it. Is that okay?"

Spock seemed to mull this over a moment. He nodded slowly before saying

"Yes, I too find that talking seems preferable to remaining alone with my thoughts at this time."

Indicating a chair, Spock continued "Please, be seated. May I offer you something to drink? I believe it is customary to consume beverages at during a "chat"..."

McCoy settled himself in the chair, looking up at Spock. "Do you have anything stronger than tea?"

Spock's lips quirked a bit, though to McCoy, he still looked tired and defeated. With a shock, McCoy realized Spock had accomplished exactly what he'd set out to do but gained nothing but trouble for the effort. Spock's relationship with Kirk was damaged, possibly ruined. It would take a miracle—or an even more personal sacrifice—for Star Fleet to ever fully trust him again. Many in the crew would hold this incident against him regardless of Star Fleet's ruling. One does not commit the last Capital Offense on the books without garnering a few enemies, even if the higher ups decide to look the other way.

Without even realizing what had happened, McCoy found a small glass of blue liquid being presented to him. Spock was obviously trying to regain his attention. "Doctor, are you sure you do not require medical attention? You seem unusually distracted, even by your normal, prodigious standards of distraction."

McCoy had to smile. Spock was obviously trying to distract him from whatever was occupying his thoughts. Reaching out to take the glass, McCoy looked confused.

"Romulan Ale, Spock? This is contraband, you know that."

Spock settled himself into another chair. "Yes, Doctor. I do know that. You requested something stronger than tea, did you not? This is stronger than tea."

"Yeah, Spock, but geeze...light beer would have been stronger than tea."

"Would _light beer _have satisfied you, Doctor? I believe you keep a bottle of this very contraband in your office."

McCoy smiled. "You got me, Spock...and, thank you, this is exactly what I was looking for."

McCoy was surprised to see that Spock had poured a somewhat larger glass of the Ale for himself and was now finishing a substantial sip.

"I believe, Doctor, that even a chat should have a starting topic. What is it you had in mind?"

McCoy decided not to beat around the bush. "Those old record tapes. The ones from the early years on the Enterprise."

Spock had a distinctly resigned look as he responded. "Yes, I assumed those would be deemed interesting."

"Well, of course they're interesting!" McCoy started to bluster...but then, remembering why he was there, pause and took a breath... "They're interesting because I thought you were always the upright super Vulcan from the day you entered the Academy. Obviously, I was wrong."

Spock might even have looked relieved at this blunt assault on the obvious topic. "Yes, Doctor, you were wrong. You might have asked yourself why I would leave Vulcan to live on Earth if I wanted to adhere strictly to Vulcan principles."

"I did ask myself that, Spock...I'm afraid the answer I came up with doesn't seem very charitable now. I thought maybe you wanted to be in a place you could feel superior. I assumed that Vulcan was not an easy place for a hybrid to grow up and you thought going to Earth would make you something like that cartoon character, Superman...able to leap tall buildings with a single bound and all that."

McCoy was please to see Spock's lip curl up a bit. That hint of a smile meant Spock was at least intrigued if not actually amused.

"I assure you, Doctor, I cannot leap even a moderate building in any number of bounds."

Spock paused, taking another fairly substantial drink from his glass. McCoy had barely had two small sips, but Spock was nearing the end of his glass. McCoy reached forward, grabbed the bottle and refilled Spock's glass while he continued.

"I can understand why you would make that assumption. However, it is inaccurate. I went to earth hoping to find a home among my human relatives. To find a place as a half human. Humans are unique in our universe in their acceptance of those with differences. I assumed I would be welcomed and accepted. As I was."

While Spock took another, surprisingly substantial, sip of his refreshed drink, McCoy replied. 

"So, in those recordings, when you're smiling, almost laughing with the crew...that's not pretense? You weren't just trying to make the humans comfortable?"

"No, Doctor. There was no artifice in the recordings you viewed. I smiled because I was happy, I laughed because I was amused."

"But, now, Spock...now..."

"Now, Doctor, I follow the Vulcan way. Emotions bring little but trouble to any situation. They are to be controlled, not indulged."

McCoy was not sure what he found most shocking: the fact that Spock had interrupted him, or the sudden insight into what must—he just knew—be at the root of this situation.

"Spock, are you in love with Captain Pike?"

McCoy was sure that was the answer. Spock loved Pike...and Pike did not reciprocate, or worse, Pike took offense...it explained everything.

Obviously musing again, McCoy must have missed when Spock got up because Spock was now, once again, up against the wire room divider, head down.

Standing, McCoy found himself putting out a hand which could not reach its target.

"Spock..."

Spock turned and fixed McCoy with his gaze. "I am impressed with your deductive ability, Doctor McCoy. Though, your choice of tense is incorrect. I am not in love with Captain Pike."

Spock definitely stopped to swallow and steel himself for this next statement. "However, in the past, I was... I have...moved on, I believe is the correct term."

McCoy closed the distance between them, putting a hand on Spock's arm for only a moment.  
"That's why you wanted him to be happy, why you were willing to sacrifice so much for his emotional state."

"Yes." The word was clearly spoken, but McCoy could not read the emotion that was obviously behind it.

"What happened Spock?"

McCoy wasn't entirely sure himself what this question meant, but it just came out and Spock, interestingly enough, seemed to understand it.

"When our tour of duty was over, Captain Pike offered me a position as his second in command when he took over as Captain of the Fleet."

"That's a prestigious position, Spock. What happened?"

"I told him of my feelings, Doctor. I could not continue to work with him unless he knew."

"I take it that didn't go well."

"That, Doctor, is an understatement. Not only did he retract the offer, he ordered me to stay away from him. He said I had dishonored the memory of our years of service together."

McCoy rolled his eyes and thought...where the hell does Star Fleet find these people? Did they put up signs inviting the last few homophobes on earth to join Star Fleet?

"I'm sorry Spock."

"It was not your doing Doctor. You have no reason to apologize."

"I'm not apologizing Spock, I'm just saying I feel bad that you had to go through that. I can understand how hurt you must have been..."

"Can you Doctor? Can you know how difficult it was for me to admit my feelings to Pike? To risk his rejection?"

"Now, just a goddamn minute Spock...look, I know that was a big deal for you, I do. But you know what? That's part of being human. We get rejected. We get told our attentions are not wanted. Some of us even get told our affections are unnatural and unhealthy...it sucks, but it happens to lots of us."

"**Lots** of you are not Vulcan."

"You're right, Spock...we're not Vulcan so we can't hide behind logic to keep us from having to experience those feelings again. We're human and when we get dumped—however ugly it might be—we recover and go out to find someone else to make a fool out of ourselves over. But we don't hide from love. We can't."

McCoy found himself breathing somewhat hard...he took a sip of his glass of ale in an effort to regroup.

Spock, McCoy noticed, had downed the rest of his glass. McCoy stepped back to the table to retrieve the bottle and refill Spock's glass while Spock spoke.

"I do not hide from love, Doctor."

"What?"

"Just what I said, Doctor. I do not shy from love. However, as a Vulcan I now know I do not need to express that emotion. I can experience it, I can appreciate it, but I do not need to share it."

"You're saying you love someone."

Spock took yet another sip of the ale...McCoy had forgotten exactly how many glasses Spock had consumed...McCoy was about half way through his first glass.

"Yes, Doctor, that is what I am saying. Does that satisfy you? I am in love. I do not, however, need to act on that. I am Vulcan, I can control my emotions."

McCoy blinked...then sat down on the nearest place. It happened to be Spock's bed.

"You're in love."

Spock's expression was hard to read. He was staring at McCoy seated on his bed. He wasn't angry, that was certain...

Spock's voice was low and controlled. "Yes, Doctor."

"For crying out loud, Spock, come over here and sit down so I can look in your eyes..." McCoy seemed unaware that his position was, in any way, unusual.

Spock, slowly, and with extreme good posture, complied; sinking onto the bed a few inches from McCoy's knees.

"You're in love with someone."

"Yes, Doctor."

"Someone on the ship?"

"Yes, Doctor."

"But, you don't intend to tell this person?"

"No, Doctor, I do not intend to tell him."

"It's a man?"

"Yes, Doctor, it is a man. Is that a concern for you?"

"No, Spock, of course not. You know me. Love whomever or whatever you can love, that's my view. I was just wondering about my head nurse..."

Spock may have flinched..."Miss Chapel is not a concern of mine...Is that really your view, Doctor? Do you not believe some attractions are better left unspoken?"

"No, Spock, I do not. I'm angry with Pike for what he did to you. Even if he didn't return your feelings there was no reason to make you feel like you'd done something wrong. Love is a gift, you don't toss it aside like trash."

Spock seemed to consider these words..."Nevertheless, Doctor, is not the safest course to not allow the emotion to control my actions? To act logically?" 

"Safest? Maybe, but best? Not at all. Spock, you know from serving on this ship that playing it safe is often the worst alternative."

"Not for an individual Doctor... I have studied this (of course he has, thinks McCoy) and playing it safe is the best alternative for an individual 93.45% of the time. It is only when large groups are involved that taking the "unsafe" option can prove profitable a significant percentage of the time."

McCoy decides to jump into the fire. He is sure he knows the object of Spock's affections and, as much as that might pain him, he cannot stand to see Spock in this much distress.

"Spock, tell Jim. He's not Pike. I don't know if he can return your love, but I know he won't condemn you for it or make you feel bad for it. You'll be better off knowing the truth."

"Jim?"

"Yes, Spock, Jim. That's whom you are in love with, right? Tell him. You need to do this."

"Doctor, I assure you, I have no need to discuss anything with Jim at the moment."

"It's not Jim."

"No, it is not."

McCoy struggles to think of whom it could be...not Jim, but a man...

His ruminations are cut off by a hand on his.

"Leonard."

McCoy looks up to Spock's utterly sincere gaze. "No."

Spock recoils.

McCoy reaches out to stop him from standing. "No, Spock. I meant, it couldn't be true, not that I didn't want it. "

Obviously, this has not clarified anything for Spock but he does not seem to be able to articulate his questions. Spock is now staring at the wall.

"Have you ever gotten something you really, really wanted but thought you'd never get?" McCoy asks.

Spock turns away from the wall to look at McCoy. "Go on."

"Well...that's what I meant. I never thought...Spock, I've always...What I mean is..."

McCoy was stopped by warm lips pressing against his.

"Is that what you meant, Leonard?"

Trying not to grin too stupidly, McCoy said "Yes, Spock, that is what I meant."

After a bit of kissing, McCoy thought it was time to surface for air and talk.

"Okay, we've got that established, Spock, and don't think I'm not terribly happy about it."

"I find it a very pleasant development myself, Leonard."

Leonard notices that Spock is smiling while he says this. "Do you always talk like that?"

"Yes, I am sorry to report that I will always resort to correct grammar usage...is that going to be a problem for you?"

"No, Spock...I guess I can live with that."

"I am pleased." Spock said, gathering McCoy back into his arms.

"Spock...wait...you're drunk."

"I am not."

"Um...yeah, I think you are."

Spock seemed to seriously consider this...

"I am not, however, perhaps you are? Perhaps this is merely a drunken indulgence?"

McCoy was not drunk and, given how much skin on skin contact had been happening, Spock should know that...which just proved to McCoy that Spock was somewhat impaired.

"Spock, it's not a drunken indulgence on my part. I've felt this way for a long time, but I don't want to take advantage of you if you are not in control and I'm sure you feel the same about me."

Spock considered this. In fact, he considered it for long enough that McCoy thought perhaps he'd gone onto other thoughts...

"Ummm...so, Spock. I guess I should return to my quarters..."

"No."

"No? But, like I said..."

"Yes, Leonard...I agree with you. We should not do take this too far tonight, but...

…

…

I find I do not want to be alone. Would you stay with me?"

"You just want to sleep?"

"I assure you, Leonard, I want to do more than sleep, but for tonight, what I need is to sleep at peace, in the company of one I trust completely and love with all my heart. Will you do that for me?"

At that moment, Spock seemed the vulnerable child fresh off of Vulcan looking for comfort among others who "feel"...what else could McCoy say?

"Of course, Spock. I'll stay with you. I could do with a night of feeling safe and loved myself."

They dimmed the lights and shrugged out of their remaining uniforms. Sliding into the bed in just t-shirts and underwear should have felt odd or uncomfortable, but it did not. They were each too concerned about the other to feel uncomfortable for themselves.

Settling into the pillows, loosely touching each other, they both sighed. "Spock...thank you."

"For what?"

"For letting me stay."

"You are most welcome. Leonard...thank you."

"For what?"

"For staying."


End file.
